I’m Glad

Over and over I think to myself, ‘It’s not the same without you. Life is so much emptier .’ So many times I’ve missed you, wished for your presence, longed to have what I had before.

But, until now, I’ve never considered how glad I am that you don’t see me now. I am relieved that I haven’t had the chance to let you down. I am so grateful that you haven’t watched me drown.

In your head, I hope I am still someone else. But you have no idea how much that thought depresses me.

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Mazes

Where did you go? I’ve looked so hard

And far to find you but I can’t.

It’s not a case of hide and seek,

Deep down inside this feels like grief.

A loss too big, too grave, too steep

To bear; and even as I sleep

I dream of you, of times gone by,

Of times I felt your strength inside

And tried to wake, to find you here

And now I feel this crippling fear.

You’re not about to retrace steps

You’re not about to sort this mess

I’ve been ignoring; You are gone

And I’ve been waiting far too long.

It isn’t you that’s lost, it’s me

I can’t be who I used to be.

I need to grieve myself and try

To put aside the hurt; I cry

For her, the girl still gone,

I’ll try to love who I’ve become.

Tearful Teaching

I’m tearful today. A tearful teacher who can’t decide who she’s letting down most. Is it the child who wants to work but has to wait until the classroom is less like a zoo to get the help they need? The child who can’t have you look at them as you explain a task, because you can’t afford to turn your back on half a dozen or so children who are ready to destroy any semblance of peace or learning?

Perhaps it’s the child who is doing the disrupting. Perhaps it’s that child the system lets down most, because that child is not being taught how to function in real society. That child has excuses made for them. That child can turn their rage or spite on anyone in their path and there is no real consequence. The child who can say, ‘My mum is going to stab you’ or can comment on your ‘fat rolls’ to your face and then laugh out loud, but still be allowed to attend your lesson the next day. That child is unlikely to thrive without any enforced boundaries.

But most likely the child I let down the most is the one who is there when I walk through my front door worn out, crying and just wanting to cry myself to sleep in a dark room. The child who brings his mum a cup of tea and gives her a hug, but can’t stop the tears that roll down her face.

Early night

A timely end to woeful day

Despair gets neatly packed away

Misery has emptied out

Leaving hollow heart throughout

Sleep can cleanse the soul anew

Sanitize the residue

Left behind when tears are shed

Fears of darkness put to bed

Tomorrow is another start

And when we wake with flawless heart

It won’t seem like courageousness

To once again the world address