The worst of me

So this is it; the worst of me.

I’ve retreated into a world of my own again, and I can’t let you in. I hear you talking, and I hear the worry, and I can’t find any words to reassure. I hear a question, and I hear me snapping, and I don’t know how to stop it. I hate this part of me, the part that can’t let people help even when they are desperate to, and you are allowed to hate it too.

I am grieving, I am saying goodbye, and I know we all do this in different ways. I could blame the times I’ve had no choice but to do things alone, but I don’t know that this is the reason. Perhaps this would be my way regardless.

I am wondering why life is so unfair as to frequently take away what is wanted most. Wondering if we did something wrong, wondering if it could have been different somehow. I am wondering how people believe in a God who would fail to be there when most needed. I am reassessing my life, my actions and my priorities, and wondering whether I have them right. All of this I do in silence, because I don’t know how to speak it out loud.

So I am hurt, yes, and angry. There is the physical pain which will, no doubt, stop soon enough. But there is a pain in my chest that hurts more, an empty feeling inside which makes my eyes fill and brings a lump to my throat, which may take a little longer to subside. My logic circuits are telling me that my anger is unreasonable, so I refuse to share the things that irritate… in a few days, with less emotional and hormonal interference, I will feel more rational and will speak more easily.

I am trying. I am trying to keep up ‘life as normal’ for the children. This is not theirs to deal with, and I made myself a promise many years ago that I have to honour now, however exhausting it may be. I am trying to remember that I will pull myself up; that these feelings won’t knock me down forever; that I can be strong again with just a little time to regroup and rearm.

And I am trying to let you know that I’m sorry that my coping mechanisms make me shut you out so completely and that I know you are hurting too. I wish I could find another way, a way to communicate more efficiently but for now, it seems, this is it.

I am trying x

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