I’m trying to be normal, but it is so much harder than it sounds. I don’t feel quite like me anymore; I don’t feel strong and I don’t feel certain of anything. I’m signed off work with a ‘stress-related illness’ because I can’t function well enough to teach my classes. I’m stuck at home, unable to find anything that will occupy my mind for more than a few minutes, trying to keep myself hidden from my children because I don’t want them to see my pain.
I must have cried enough to drown a thousand people today, but still the tears keep coming. I cry while at the doctors… I cry so much driving that I have to pull over… I cry when I talk to my friends… I cry even harder when my best friend cries with me. I apologise for my tears, as if I could help them, and I try to hold them back.
I want to be the survivor I know so well. I want to be sure that this will come to an end, that I will find my serenity again. I want, more than anything, to be sure of myself, but I don’t know how.
How do I get past waking up in the morning and wishing I could sleep the week away? How do I get past wondering if everyone I speak to is up to something, or after something? How do I find the energy to get dressed and stick on a smile and face the world? How do I play the Glad Game without finding my list full of ‘but’s?