My sister gets married in a month. I spent the weekend with her and family and friends in a huge country house for her Hen Weekend. The house was beautiful, the surroundings serene, the sun blazed and my sister glowed with happiness. I am so glad to see her so in love, I’d not have missed it for the world.
My other sister was in charge of organising, and she did a fabulous job (‘Tawny Owl’ skills clearly put to good use). Cocktail making, cake decorating, clay pigeon shooting and spa treatments, intertwined with a myriad of special touches… Funny games, heart shaped sweets, a beautiful, personalised recipe book with recipes hand picked by everyone present. A wonderful Italian restaurant, followed by a night out on the town. A perfect weekend for my littlest sister to remember, a perfect celebration of her upcoming big day.
A weekend marred, for me and my daughter, however… because of a sarcastic, hurtful comment. If you read me often, you’ll know that there are on-going struggles; you’ll know that I’m battling demons as often as I can find the strength.
My sister (the middle-sized, organising one) knows this too, although she is less than understanding. I have been worried about this weekend, because of the panic attacks… the last thing I’d want to do is spoil anything but I really didn’t want to miss it either. So I worried, and I stressed, and I prepared myself to put on a smile regardless. I packed my medication and organised everything well before I needed too so that things went as smoothly as possible.
On Friday, I left work and collected my son, ready to drop him to my friend and babysitter for the night. On the way he informed me that my sister had told him I’d only cancel anyway. “She said you’d make up some ridiculous excuse as always, like, ‘I ran over a crocodile’ or something.”
My calm exterior cracked and I was in tears again. A little understanding is all I’d like, a little moral support. I spent the hour long drive alternating between tears and anger, ranting at the steering wheel. Before I left the car, I put on a smile and promised that I would not be the one to ruin my littlest sister’s special weekend. And things, so far, remain unsaid…