Listening

“You’re good at this,” she says, and I think I know what she means.
But all it is is listening and why wouldn’t I listen?
She says, “Thank you for this,” and I don’t get why I am being thanked
For using my ears and engaging my brain.
And then I realise. People haven’t listened to her
And they haven’t understood her and I understand
The shy introvertedness of the girl who doesn’t know the value of her own words.
Her passion, it draws me in. She is excited,
Enthusiastic, and therefore so am I.
It’s catching and she doesn’t even know it.

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Double Whammy

I’m not functioning. My head doesn’t work, my tear ducts seem to be attached to something other than my brain (a hosepipe maybe) and have gone into overdrive. I don’t know what to do, or what to think, or how to move forward.

The worst just happened and I’m stuck in it, big time betrayal of trust followed by big time betrayal of trust. People let me down… knock me down… drag me down. Who do I have faith in? Not even myself.

I’m a failed friend, a failed mum and a failed career girl today. Where is the light?

The Glad Game (friends indeed)

I woke up with a clear head this morning, for the first time in a week. It was one of those mornings when you wake up feeling good, you look forward to work, you’re glad to be you. It didn’t last… I got stuck in traffic, I left important things at home and, before I knew it things went from bad to worse and I welled up in front of a few of the teenagers I teach. Not good enough.

Time to pull myself together, I thought, and sat down at my desk with a coffee to think of my reasons to be glad. My list went like this:

1) My children. Always top of the list, sometimes infuriating, but often full of ways to put a smile on my face. They are good children, smart children, caring children. They remind me that, while I often feel I’m getting things wrong, I must have done something right.
2) Other people’s children. I have a job where I get to work with teenagers all day and although I know that this is some peoples idea of a living nightmare, I do love it. On top of my job, today is the day I get to pick up my sister’s wonderful son and daughter. They will make me giggle and keep me occupied and show me joy, as they never fail to do.
3) My amazing, supportive friends. People that are always there when I need them, whatever it is I need them for.

Yes, I think, time to lean a little… I pick up my phone and I talk to a friend. She asks the right questions and clears my thoughts, and is blunt and honest and to the point. Just what I need to give me the strength to work through the headache.

As anticipated, the children make me smile and I am content… until the next kick, anyway. I’m feeling down and I’m feeling hurt, and I’m wondering where I went wrong this time.

The Glad Game again… I call the queen of Glad, who is happy to help me compile my list (even if it does now have things like, ‘I know all the words to Psycho Sexy’ and ‘I drink late night coffee with the cutest multilingual lesbian’ on it) and I feel a little stronger again. I log into my facebook a little later on, and I find some words there that make me cry with grateful knowledge of understanding. I’m going to bed now, with these words the last thing in my mind, and tomorrow will be a better day.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”
(Kurt Vonnegut)

“Remember you are beautiful and good. Remember that, when you smile, a million people smile with you. Forget the people who try to take your smile away because they don’t deserve to see it. And only ever cry for those of us that would cry with you. Kurt and I share wiseness :)”
(The cutest multilingual lesbian)

Friendship

Friend
[frend]
noun

1) A person attached to another by personal regard or feelings of affection
2) A person who gives assistance
3) A person who is not hostile

How many true friends do you have? How many people will really be there regardless?
I rediscover every year that there are people who will be there when my world falls down around me. Sometimes I forget; sometimes I feel so very alone, even in a room full of people. On days like today I am grateful for a shoulder, for intervention at the toughest moment, and I feel glad that I have finally found the ability to reach out. I thank God (someone I often have little faith in) that these people are here to support me, and I promise myself that I will never lose sight of their value again.
Of course, I do forget. When a low hits, it seems that there is no one there who can help. I close myself off and try to work things out on my own, however hard it seems to be. I do these people an injustice by shutting myself away, and I still can’t work out how I fail to realise their worth.
Today, I have to say thank you. Today, I have to say I am sorry. I love these people, who remind me of my strength, who guide me through the hardest times. Today, I am determined never to forget again.