Valentine

I love…

Oh, how I love.

Brighter than the stars… wilder than the sea.

You’re there, and I’m grinning. 17 years old and head over heels,

Wondering what comes next but not really caring, because…

You.

Just you.

This smile that’s going to break my face one day,

But you’ll be there to put it back together

Like you fixed my trust. Did you fix it, or did I?

Does it matter? Because I trust you, either way. I trust you

With my life. My life, which is your life. One great big adventure

With explorations and discoveries that make me feel as if

I landed on the moon.

I’m here in the heavens and you are the stars. So bright, so close

That I’m on fire. You are my fire starter

Burning up the skies until

I

Can’t

Breathe.

I don’t want to. I want to stop time, right here, right now.

I hold my breath

And everything slows. Your face, suspended

In front of mine for an eternity.

Exactly as it should be, right where you belong.

You are home.

You are where I’m meant to be. I’m here, with you, and we are ‘us’.

Stronger together, funnier, louder, more alive. We’re winning

At life. At love… We’ve won the world.

A whole new world. So many memories to make

And time stretching out before us.

I am in love. You are my heart and

We love.

Oh…

How we love.

 

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The Wrong Question?

I’ve been trying to answer the question, ‘Why do you frighten me?’ and I’ve been getting nowhere fast.

I enjoy your company, I adore your face… your humour entertains me, your charm beguiles me. Talking with you is wonderful, learning about you and sharing with you feels just right. But not talking with you is also fabulous; walking hand in hand with few words spoken feels like I’ve found something I’d lost. No awkward silences, just happy ones.

Being close to you drives me to distraction, every single time… The thought of your touch before it happens thrills me. Every single time I see you I am bowled over again, and every day that I don’t see you, I miss you.

And there I have my answer. You don’t frighten me, missing you frightens me. I don’t ever want you not to be there.

Cherry scent

That sweet girl with the beautiful eyes and the kindest heart, I almost kissed her. Close enough to feel her warmth and comfort, but suddenly close enough to inhale her scent too. I don’t know if it was her gum or her lip balm, but suddenly I knew how she would taste and I was in another place, another time… Lost in my memories.

I don’t taste like that anymore.

cherries

Wishing

wishing

Brighten my day

Inspirit my nights

Enlighten my mind

And colour my sights.

Smile at my giggles

And laugh at my jokes

Tease all my blushing

And sigh at my strokes.

Encourage my endeavours

And hold my hand tight

Tell me your secrets

Our futures rewrite.

Feel my understanding

See I’ll fight your wars

Accept imperfections

And know that I’m yours.

My Heart Is Heavy

I think of you so many times every day.

Today is no different; you are there in my thoughts

And I wonder what you’re thinking of, and how you are.

I think about calling, but I know it isn’t best.

 

You want your space, and that is what you will have.

You need your time to think, and I understand.

This isn’t how you imagined ‘us’, is it? I must confess,

It isn’t how I imagined either. My heart is heavy.

 

My heart is heavy, and my mood is melancholic.

I’m thinking all the time about emotions, mine and yours,

And I’m wondering how things will resolve.

But today, I know I will be ok.

 

Today, I know I won’t shed tears. There have been too many

And the highs and lows have been crippling for too long.

I feel something today that I’ve not known for a while.

I feel my strength and something else. Is it resignation?

 

A belief that things will end up as they should, perhaps.

Your choices are yours, and they may not mirror mine,

But even then, I’ll be alright. My heart is heavy

And I am sad, but your choices are yours.

 

You see, I only want you if you are sure.

I want your hand in mine, and my head on your shoulder

But only if it is right for you.  I’ll let you go,

Because I want you back. My heart is heavy.

 

heart

An Ode to You (and my phone)

phone

You offer your shoulder from a million miles away.

You know how I feel from a sentence,

Ten words sent by text with meanings hidden in between.

You soothe my hurt with a story,

A look at someone else’s life, holding parallels and bearing.

You remind me of a memory,

One so deeply etched that I wonder it has been forgotten.

You let me in on your secrets,

You tell me your mysteries and I am honoured to know them.

You offer a distraction,

Taking my mind to somewhere else entirely and calming the terror.

You make me feel at ease again.

For this, I will love you, absolutely and perfectly.

All The Times I Cried…

What a week!

I am back at school, working like I’ve never worked before, and loving every single minute of it. I have trained, I have planned, I have taught, assessed, analysed, marked, praised, comforted, smiled, laughed and, yes, cried. I love my job, and am so glad to be doing what I get paid for again.

I am back in other ways too; I am not only a proud teacher but also a proud mum. I am so wonderfully in love with those children of mine; as someone else put it recently… I am indeed their biggest fan.

I have a son who is caring, sensitive and witty – he has grown so much in the last twelve months, in more ways than one. He towers over me now, at thirteen, and surprises me constantly with his insight into things around him. He is a perceptive lad, and brave enough to say the things he feels. He has me considering his words long after he has spoken them, and I see the admiral, incredible young man he is turning into before my eyes with a pride that makes my heart swell.

I have a daughter who is bright, bubbly and inventive – she is no longer a child, but a beautiful young lady, inside and out. She has dealt with so much recently, and has come out right on top. I am very proud of the 10 A*-B grades in GCSEs, but much more intensely proud of the open communication lines that are so often missing between parents and teenagers. I adore those conversations late at night, sat on my bedroom floor, when she talks to me about my day and hers, and asks my opinion on the matters close to her heart.

I have my faith back again. Faith in myself to do the right things, faith that there are wonderful people around me who deserve nothing less than the tears of gratitude I’ve been crying all night long. My friends, here and elsewhere, who have found the right words to say, and managed to convince me that my life is indeed something worth treasuring, also have me crying.

And one last thing. I have found a kind of love that I never expected to find again, and the courage to embrace it. I have found my way into the extraordinary world of wanting and needing, and desiring and missing. My heart is whole, and in the hands of another.

I am an ordinary girl, in an extraordinary world, full of joy and colour and sunshine.