Pieces

Jigsaw

A jigsaw with pieces that don’t fit together.

Puzzling, pondering, wondering whether

I’ve lost one or two of the essential parts

And I’m stuck. Taking it back to the start

So it seems… but some things don’t reverse,

This rearranging is making it worse.

Still thinking, considering, reasoning now

Am I skewing it? Warping? Distorting somehow?

Trying to rebuild it a different way;

It’s just getting worse, it’s all crumbling away.

I can’t fill this hole, it’s a ‘whole’ I can’t find

And I’ve just realised why; these pieces aren’t mine.

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Don’t

Don’t snap

Don’t say it… you’re hurt, I know

Don’t open your mouth

Don’t panic, breathe slow

Don’t ask the question,

Don’t catch the eye

Hold back your words

And try not to cry

Stop up the tears,

Please, don’t speak out loud

Don’t say what you want to

Keep your head bowed

Maintain the silence

Stay quiet, keep the peace

It won’t be forever

These feelings will cease

Close up your doorway

And then your heart

Lock it up tightly

And try to restart

Listening

“You’re good at this,” she says, and I think I know what she means.
But all it is is listening and why wouldn’t I listen?
She says, “Thank you for this,” and I don’t get why I am being thanked
For using my ears and engaging my brain.
And then I realise. People haven’t listened to her
And they haven’t understood her and I understand
The shy introvertedness of the girl who doesn’t know the value of her own words.
Her passion, it draws me in. She is excited,
Enthusiastic, and therefore so am I.
It’s catching and she doesn’t even know it.

My Heart Is Heavy

I think of you so many times every day.

Today is no different; you are there in my thoughts

And I wonder what you’re thinking of, and how you are.

I think about calling, but I know it isn’t best.

 

You want your space, and that is what you will have.

You need your time to think, and I understand.

This isn’t how you imagined ‘us’, is it? I must confess,

It isn’t how I imagined either. My heart is heavy.

 

My heart is heavy, and my mood is melancholic.

I’m thinking all the time about emotions, mine and yours,

And I’m wondering how things will resolve.

But today, I know I will be ok.

 

Today, I know I won’t shed tears. There have been too many

And the highs and lows have been crippling for too long.

I feel something today that I’ve not known for a while.

I feel my strength and something else. Is it resignation?

 

A belief that things will end up as they should, perhaps.

Your choices are yours, and they may not mirror mine,

But even then, I’ll be alright. My heart is heavy

And I am sad, but your choices are yours.

 

You see, I only want you if you are sure.

I want your hand in mine, and my head on your shoulder

But only if it is right for you.  I’ll let you go,

Because I want you back. My heart is heavy.

 

heart

Give Me Strength

Give me the strength to rise.
When my body tells me ‘sleep’
And my brain tells me ‘hide’,
Give me strength.

Give me the faith to trust.
When it is easier to fear
And natural to doubt,
Give me strength.

Give me the will to smile.
When instinct tells me ‘run’
And worry tells me ‘cry’,
Give me strength.

Give me the power to heal.
Let me be happy
And let me find ‘me’.
Please, give me strength.

Escapism

[iˈskāpizəm]

noun

1) The tendency to seek distraction from unpleasant realities by seeking entertainment

2) An inclination to or habit of retreating, through diversion or fantasy

“We all try to escape pain and death, while we seek what is pleasant.” – Albert Einstein

Of course we do… a normal, human reaction, surely. So why do people look at me with a frown or shake their head when I say I want to hide, or I want to run? I’m just doing what I need to do and, usually, it is necessary. It’s not forever, after all…

My escapism takes different forms. Some days I will shut myself away in my room and stick my head under a pillow, and pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. I can’t do that forever, and I know it doesn’t solve anything, but it buys me some time to restore enough energy to begin again. It also gives me the space I need to think things through before I try to explain how I feel, and that has to be a good thing… Nothing worse than saying something you don’t quite mean and being unable to take it back.

Some days, I put on a smile and a stupid accent and I go a little crazy. I have friends and family who will throw it right back at me and make me laugh out loud and, for a while, I can ignore the hard things and feel a little more normal. If I can have normal days (or insane ones) then there is hope, right?

Other days I get in my car and drive. The coast still comes top of my list for a day of escapism, even in the wind and rain, and my need to escape took me there again today, with good company. So I ran, sure, quite a few miles… but I worked some things out, with a little help. It is a wonderful thing to talk to someone who understands, someone who can say, yes, I’ve been there before, you don’t need to explain. Talking to someone who can see things from the outside rather than someone whose life is so emotionally intertwined with my own has made a difference, and helped work out kinks in those emotional relationships. I’ve travelled a distance in more ways than one this afternoon and got some things out of my system and for this, I am glad.

I’m back in the real world for now, and ready to sleep; I’m ready to see what another day will bring. I’m planning my next big escape though and, this time round, I’m going for living fantasy all the way…