A jigsaw with pieces that don’t fit together.
Puzzling, pondering, wondering whether
I’ve lost one or two of the essential parts
And I’m stuck. Taking it back to the start
So it seems… but some things don’t reverse,
This rearranging is making it worse.
Still thinking, considering, reasoning now
Am I skewing it? Warping? Distorting somehow?
Trying to rebuild it a different way;
It’s just getting worse, it’s all crumbling away.
I can’t fill this hole, it’s a ‘whole’ I can’t find
And I’ve just realised why; these pieces aren’t mine.
Over and over I think to myself, ‘It’s not the same without you. Life is so much emptier .’ So many times I’ve missed you, wished for your presence, longed to have what I had before.
But, until now, I’ve never considered how glad I am that you don’t see me now. I am relieved that I haven’t had the chance to let you down. I am so grateful that you haven’t watched me drown.
In your head, I hope I am still someone else. But you have no idea how much that thought depresses me.
Take me here, take me back
And clear the mangled consciousness that mars the calm.
Take me soon, take me now
Before my brain refuses balm.
Twisting, tying, tripping me
Tangled words and wizardry
Barely disguised trickery
Sugar tipped savagery
Inducing me uneasily
On the days when all you really want is honesty and straight-talking. Typical.
It isn’t the way that you scream and lash out,
It isn’t the way that you stamp and you shout,
It isn’t about all the noise that you make,
If I’m honest that tells me you’re some kind of fake.
The thing that we talk about comes from within,
Down deep inside buried under your skin.
You don’t hear me stutter, just see external calm,
You notice my grace, I extend you my palm.
My strength is there hiding, a ninja like silence,
I’ll help you to rise, stand tall, offer my guidance.
My strength is serenity, patience and style,
I’ll weather your storm while I’m wearing a smile.
They’d jump out of water
In the air
Too near not to notice
Losing all sense of focus
They’d be empty but laid
An unsharpened blade
I’m not afraid of letting go, I’m not too scared to try,
I’m not jumping at shadows, not ashamed they saw me cry.
I’m not too spooked to close my eyes, I’m not afraid to dream,
I’m not convinced my world will end in secret, silent screams.
I’m not concerned that things have changed; the world I knew’s not gone,
I’m not afraid to feel again, not alarmed at moving on.
I’m not afraid to see his face, or walk with head held high,
I found my confidence, my truth; I found my reason why.
For Michael, with thanks… I’m truly not afraid.