Black Dog

I’m here again, lost in the dance with the black dog;

I’m lost for words but my head won’t stop.

Doubting myself. Feeling so much but I can’t tell

If it’s me or him. He frightens me.

What if I don’t make it back this time?

Some days he hides, just behind the curtain…

I can laugh and joke on those days, but he keeps jumping out at me.

I’m trying; trying so hard to keep the beat

Because I’m not sure what happens if I lose it now.

“It’s okay to say,” I keep telling people

But I don’t quite believe that myself.

Not for me, anyway.

And the questions. The questions are killing me.

All the things my brain wants to ask, but the biggest one

Is whether I’d still feel like this if the beast retreated.

Trying to prioritise. Trying to decide which bits can be juggled

And which ones must be put away. Or aside.

Or be thumped all over, for all I know,

Just so the rest is easier to carry

Through this dance.

I wonder whether, if my dog decides to leave,

I will be dancing alone.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Mazes

Where did you go? I’ve looked so hard

And far to find you but I can’t.

It’s not a case of hide and seek,

Deep down inside this feels like grief.

A loss too big, too grave, too steep

To bear; and even as I sleep

I dream of you, of times gone by,

Of times I felt your strength inside

And tried to wake, to find you here

And now I feel this crippling fear.

You’re not about to retrace steps

You’re not about to sort this mess

I’ve been ignoring; You are gone

And I’ve been waiting far too long.

It isn’t you that’s lost, it’s me

I can’t be who I used to be.

I need to grieve myself and try

To put aside the hurt; I cry

For her, the girl still gone,

I’ll try to love who I’ve become.

Lost Sleep

insomnia

I can’t find my

sleep.

I might have left it behind the washing up

or underneath the pile of

worrying

about a teenage daughter soon to be gone

to uni.

I’ve looked for it,¬†searched high and low…

The sofa, my bed, the seat of my car.

Nowhere to be found yet.

One o’clock in the morning and I suddenly have a feeling

I left it

amongst the nightmares.

I might prefer that it stays

lost

after all.