Trying some more…

Everything I have tried to do to occupy myself has failed miserably. I can’t concentrate on a book, or even a trashy magazine. I can’t find music that I want to hear, and I can’t manage anything that requires me to have my brain in gear.

I need to do something… I need to find some peace. My children are gone for a day and soon I will be gone too. I will seek my solace by the sea. I will look for the beautiful and I will listen to the waves and hope I find some comfort in it, as I have done so many times before.

Time for a road trip. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Trying… and crying

I’m trying to be normal, but it is so much harder than it sounds. I don’t feel quite like me anymore; I don’t feel strong and I don’t feel certain of anything. I’m signed off work with a ‘stress-related illness’ because I can’t function well enough to teach my classes. I’m stuck at home, unable to find anything that will occupy my mind for more than a few minutes, trying to keep myself hidden from my children because I don’t want them to see my pain.

I must have cried enough to drown a thousand people today, but still the tears keep coming. I cry while at the doctors… I cry so much driving that I have to pull over… I cry when I talk to my friends… I cry even harder when my best friend cries with me. I apologise for my tears, as if I could help them, and I try to hold them back.

I want to be the survivor I know so well. I want to be sure that this will come to an end, that I will find my serenity again. I want, more than anything, to be sure of myself, but I don’t know how.

How do I get past waking up in the morning and wishing I could sleep the week away? How do I get past wondering if everyone I speak to is up to something, or after something? How do I find the energy to get dressed and stick on a smile and face the world? How do I play the Glad Game without finding my list full of ‘but’s?